The.... Heart "minor" attack

It was pretty hot outside, but never the less I needed to go out to face the scorching heat since I had to attend class. I never liked attending classes, mainly cause they bore me. But I had made a resolution that I'll attend every class and I planned to stick to it so I moved my lazy ass out of bed and marched out of the house. It was hotter than I expected. Just my luck, No transportation to class .So I just had to walk the whole way. Finally I reached. I reached early and too my surprise, I saw my ex in the same class staring at me as I walked towards class. She finally gives me an awkward wave. I just acknowledged it and dropped it right there. But then she calls me over, It was kinda felt weird at first but I went anyway. I was making polite conversation, just for the sake of being polite. God knows what I said and before I could figure any of it out. I was back in my seat wondering what the fuck just happened. Did I rally talk to my ex or was I dreaming ? I was confused cause I remember someone waking me up a while after, but I let that be for the time being. Soon afterward, the class was filled with weird little fucks and I didn't like it. But what could I do at the time, so I just was just there on my arse listening to these guys gossiping like a bunch of bitches. It was annoying at first, still is but I was surprised at the fact that they were really enjoying gossiping. It was getting seriously annoying, so I moved a seat or two behind. It was much better, I had some peace to myself. So finally, the surd walks with all his pride and begins. He had started off with the basics and soon it got boring so I lost  focus of what he was teaching and started looking around. The guy next to me acted all like as if he was paying attention and shit but the truth was, he was texting the whole time, he couldn't care less.so eventually after fooling around a bit I decided to check out the girls in this fine class. Nothing extraordinary, nothing I hadn't seen before. It was kinda disappointing cause the class was getting a little boring, the retard next to me couldn't stop texting and the seats were uncomfortable. Regardless of all this I struck my eyes on this girl,she looked quite gorgeous although I could see her face cause of the various turds blocking my view. For some strange reason I had a feeling that I had seen her before, maybe she used to study in my previous classes but I couldn't remember. Any how I realized that I wasted quite a lot of time fooling around so I decided to spent rest of the class trying to understand what the hell happened in the past two hours. Soon after, the class ends, the surd trying to look cool while drinking his damn tea and as soon as  I'm about to leave and I see towards this girl who I knew, so that girl looked back and saw me looking at her so I smiled, gave her the nod. I played it cool. But the twisted thing that happened which was kinda fucking with my mind and was a little weird, freaky was that when I made eye contact with her, the strangest thing happened. I skipped a heart beat   and I was like, what the fuck ? What in hell was all that about. All I could do is think about why it happened, I couldn't make my move or do anything about it cause it seemed like a gamble to do anything at the time and to be honest, I didn't wanna go down that road just to find a dead end.

Dad: My Idol

Hi Dad,

Maybe I'm writing or telling you this a bit late, but as you always taught me better late than never. When I was young, you use to carry the weight of my responsibility on your shoulders. You took upon yourself the guardian's job. To protect me from any harm and you did always. I could always count on you being there for me even when no one else would. The times when I caused you pain and disappointment, you still believed in me. You never lost faith and I was glad that you didn't. That always gave that path to the light even when everything else seemed dull and dark. But time has passed us by and we both have gotten older and with these changing times, the nature of our relationship also changed. I witnessed a glimpse of this change last year year when college was about to start. You didn't lecture me, neither gave me advice, nor was it an statement or order that had to be followed, but it was more of a leap of faith when you said to me, Its your life, you're responsible for all the decisions so make the right one and no matter what, I'l always be there to support you. And you have dad, no matter what decisions I might have taken at the time, you have always been there to for support, being that helping hand that I needed and I guess I never really thanked you for that and I don't really think I can. I don't know how to express my gratitude for a lifetime of guidance you have continued to give me. I know you don't like to discuss or talk much about feelings and emotions but this is one I fail to express because I grew up. I struggle to associate myself with the kid me. Its hard for me to be that kid and not seek your protection. So this is me thanking you. This is also me apologizing because I know that I'm difficult at times and I argue with you. It is not because I want to defy you, but its mostly trying to understand why you say the things you say. I've started thinking more rationally, so I do tend to question. I'll try to tone it down because I don't like you see you upset. 

So in short Thanks dad, I'm sorry if I let you down along the way. The only thing I try and do is to try and make you proud. 

P.S- Something I wrote this back in the 11th grade, it kinda moved me. I was in a phase where I use to write about stuff that made me questions things. Sorry for the language, wrote it as I felt.

It all changed suddenly. My dad who I used to have my constant disagreements with suddenly became my idol. 

It all started with the day of the parent-teacher meeting and I was scared. This is what I called doomsday since my exams went pathetic. In fact, the whole of the 11th grade was a waste.Still not the point, As I was saying the day of the report card. I'm sitting in my class when all of sudden its my turn to meet the teacher. She gives me the look (I never liked them, they had trouble written all over it), and I prepare myself for the worse. 62. Enough said and I look towards dad and I see disapointment. I'll be honest here and say that it felt horrible, maybe even worse than murder at that moment.
But not a word, he just walked away. I was speechless. Nothing to say, nothing at all.
I saw my friends, saw their faces. It was the first time that all of them had the same look but none the less I went over. Just standing there and talking to them made this whole day a little more sad then I had expected. 
To deal with our pathetic selfs, we went to C.P to try and relax. So we're in C.P, we were kind off getting over the result where all of a sudden my dad calls and tell me to get my ass over to khan market. He said, "HE HAD TO TALK TO US." I was like, what the fuck, here is where the road ends. 
Soon after, we're at Khan Chacha's in Khan Market. My dad was already there and he had ordered rolls for all 4 of us. At first, it was all very casual. But that didn't last for long, it all changed when he pass the remark that he was Disappointed and from there on till the end, it was a like being constantly hit by waves while surfing. It was brutal and the worst part was that it wasn't a lecture, but instead he give us the solid hardcore truth about where are lives were headed with our performances and that got us like scared to death. I was shaken. It was a wake up call. Now you would be wondering how any of this is relevant, but it is, since that day I got to know various things about him that I didn't know and it was quite surprising and astonishing. I was like amazed. Things changed after that, he became like superman all of a sudden and I liked it. This is when I realized that I have a my dad is one hell of a guy and I'm proud to have a dad like him.

...Women.. Sigh..

   It was just one of those days where things didn't go the way you want them too, usually on those days I go buy a pack of cigarettes, sit in the park and reminisce and that's what I had in mind. So am on route to the vendor that has his stack right in front of the park. I reach. We exchange a few words and I ask him for the usual, and this women comes by and asks for a pack which was a $1 more expensive, but it looked the same to me, so out of curiosity I ask her, "whats so special about that pack ?" She replies, "These are the healthy ones." So my next question being, "how are cigarettes in any way healthy ?" She says, "They're organic, doesn't burn that fast so you wind up smoking less." It was too hard to believe so I bet her $20 that she was wrong, and once again, it did not go my way. I lost that bet, but in return I had a quite a pleasant conversation with a stranger as we walked down our separate ways.

  I got back to my shack, threw my coat and crashed on the sofa with my laptop. I start surfing, checking my mails, you know, the usual. Well, perhaps I might have left out some key piece of information, that I'm a writer and am more like a one hit wonder, whose novel got chosen for this super crazy shit, f**ked up movie. But I didn't complain about it too much because it gets me the dough, and lots of it. But money doesn't get you everything, it doesn't get me a fucking A in English, when I happen to be a, well what I would like to call a novelist, also there ain't enough money in the world to avoid summer school, as my dumb ass maths teacher phrases it. The worst part of it is, that my book wasn't even remotely read by anyone in this school. My readership mainly consisted of South Asians who think I'm a 23 year old, successful novelist who also happens to be a Investment banker or so states my blog but who the hell knows. I'm in my final year of high school, I got a 2350 on my S.A.T's  but I still have no fucking future since I am flunking at least two subjects that I guess I have taken up, been arrested twice in the same year and this writing thing is like an on-and-off thing types. But all I can think of is this girl/ lady/ women whatever you wanna call her. Now, what I  failed to understand over the years are basically two things, firstly women and secondly, the control women have over men. I have found no solution to the first query but to the second one I have a very simple but effective theory, men like attractive women, any feature of a women's anatomy could be attractive to a man and the only thing a women has to do is strip down butt naked and have sex with the guy, and you have him. No matter who the guy is, it could be the President of the United States or George Clooney or any other random mother f**cker, it just doesn't matter. When a man see a naked women or even tries to picture one in his mind, it just screws with the way a man thinks. There is like this chemical imbalance which makes us incapable of thought and our race(MEN) would say anything to make that possible, and so with my future on the line, and probably a few other important things. I choose to think about a strange women that has infactuated me with some spell rather than focus on college and other important things. This brings me to my first question, which I fail to answer again."Whats up with women ?"

The Confused State Of Mind

Life as a teenager ain't a walk in the park, it's filled with complications, obstacles, depression, grief. Its a totally dark room with no light and the hope of even thinking that there might be a possibility to see some light is gone. Everyone tells us that its about making the right choices, doing the right thing. But there is one question that remains unanswered and that is, "Where does this lead to ?" such a simple question but yet it cannot be answered. During the last two years of high school, a lot runs through your mind, you start thinking about the future, about what needs to be done, what has to be done and what should have been done and these questions bring about what I would call stress in the young teenage minds. The teenage mind, sharp as a blade and as quick as light itself is filled with worry, tension about how to go about life, what's the secret or the master key that unlocks everything and makes life just as simple as we thought it would be, but the ugly truth is that life is a bitch and it ain't simple. 

Love In vein

I saw a girl and fell in love or at least I thought I was, and after 2 years:

Hey,

This letter that you’re about to read is all that I should have said to you a long time back but could not, this letter is all that I wanted to say to you but never had the courage to say it so I wrote it down, read it carefully, this really means a lot to me. I know we don’t know each other well, but to be honest, the first time I saw you, I felt something that I can’t explain as there are no words to explain such emotions. One look at you and I knew that I would eventually fall in love with you. I know that this is something that you hear in fairy tales and all but it is true because I did. After you had added me on facebook, I was really excited that I would get to talk to you and know more about you and seemed to be a dream to me since you were, and still are my dream girl. Eventually we did talk, and I got to know you a bit. But the feelings I was having were just confusing to me at the time and being an idiot, I had just been giving you hints to the fact that I liked you. I didn’t mean to rush into things but I didn’t know what else to do, since I never had such strong feelings anyone before, I didn’t know how to control them. After I made a confession that you were already aware of, it felt good to tell you but I didn’t realize that I was being a bit too hasty and I should have expected and prepared for the worst. It had occurred to me that I was being just stupid to expect something else. To be honest, I was crushed. I had never experienced pain like I did then, it was brutal, which just made me realize how much you meant to me and that there was a good chance that you might now talk to me again since a guy you don’t talk to so often, totally out of the blue asked you out. But you being so sweet, you did. It took me a very long time to get over you but the truth is that even after three relationships, there is still a part of me that wants to be with you even if it means as a friend. But the problem is that I don’t know what to do about it. I’m usually good with making new friends but when I tried to talk to you. I would freeze, to be more honest, I wouldn’t know what to say. Whenever I tried to talk to you, for any reason, there were these two things that always happened, one is that my heart started beating a whole lot faster and I would stammer. I don’t know why those things happened with you and no one else but it did. I remember the day I asked you out and what you told me about relationships, that they only cause pain and you hurt someone close to you, all the fights you get into and you didn’t want any of that. Since I knew that you’re very against relationships and that we weren’t even talking much which just make me even more confused about what I should do. But to be honest, I do like you a lot maybe I’m falling for you all over again but I can’t control myself not too, it’s like a war between the heart and my mind and I can’t fight it any longer and to be honest who won’t fall for a girl who is so sweet, kind and most incredibly beautiful, I know it’s very crazy to be saying this but for me you are all of these things and much more, you truly are special to me and I think you should know that. I know that we don’t talk on a day to day basis but I would really like to know you. When I see you in class, everything else goes dark and it’s just you that I can see, and as strange as it sounds, the feelings that came along with it were also very weird and new to me. I know, that you think relationships cause trouble and it’s better to stay away from them. But with you, just the idea of being with you makes me feel like nothing else matters, makes me feel truly special. It’s like I can do anything if you are there with me. My feelings for you are real and it’s not infatuation as you once told me. I don’t expect anything from you, just a chance to know you if you would like that. I have been writing this for a long time trying to come up with the perfect letter to give to you but as long as I told you how I felt, the letter is as close to perfection at least I think it is. I just hope you would like to know me as I would like to know you. Just let me know what you decide.

Only left with memories

I am amazed at how this past month just flew by leaving just memories, which weren't the most pleasant I must say . It had all started few months back when I started talking to this girl in my class, the few conversation we used to have weren't as enjoyable as they were now. It seems so amazing how little she meant to me before this .It just took me less than a week before I realized that I liked her and as expected since am terrible at controlling my feelings, I blurted it out. Those three words, " I like you." was one of the many stupid things I had said that day, even though I didn't get the response I hoped to get, it still worked out at the end and I had begun the journey of  the best/worst 3 months of my life !

The three months with her were pretty amazing, if u ask me. But since every relationship has to have a twist. This one had had three. But still I went through with it, it wasn't the easiest. It was like walking on a mine field, but I guess it was worth the effort . The hardest part was to accept was that she still liked her ex (as far as I know) and one of her friends she talked to was in LOVE with her. But that still wasn't the end of this. I soon became the target for revenge. One thing I learnt from this was that when your ex (who hates you, cause you liked someone else, which I know is pretty harsh) and the guy who loves your girlfriend team up, you're going to face hell. It's the start of a war that is going to hurt you in ways, you can't even imagine. I would have preferred to get shot or get locked up, rather than face this. But little did I know then, I faced it and for a month ! 

It wasn't the easy, but at the end of the day when I talked to her, everything seemed worthwhile. it didn't matter what I had to go through as long as I get to be with her. It was beautiful. But what I didn't know was that, I was being portrayed as the bad guy and guess who were behind this ?  The same ex-lover duo, and to my surprise she actually bought all that . Not that am saying that I haven't done things that I regret now, but still such stuff to be said was totally uncalled for. Soon enough I lost my patience and snapped, and before I know what I had said and done. I lost the girl, lost many friends while with the girl and ended up with losing quite a lot of people close to me. I  learnt that day, Anger is just a bad hangover with no enjoyment before the hangover starts. 

Now that girl that was the friend ,the girlfriend is gone. Maybe am considered as a bad guy now, and who knows what else goes wrong. But at the end of the day, I realized that somewhere this had to happen. I might have not had the best relationship, but I had a friend which now I know is gone or may come back, who knows. I just know one thing and that is I will be waiting for that friend to come back.